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#TBT Why You Should Get the Pan Am Take Off(tm) Credit Card Now!

(For Throwback Thursday, I wanted to share this article from the May 7, 1970, issue of Online Travel Review – then called Line Travel Review)

Other newsletter writers are afraid to tell it like it is, instead pushing inferior affiliate links for credit card offers that aren’t as good as other offers that are widely available. Everyone knows that Braniff Visa offer that everyone was pushing last month wasn’t as good as the widely available Mercedes Benz Braniff Visa card. And I know it sounds like the boy who cried wolf when they come out and say, “ooh, you better apply for your Eastern Airlines card now because the bonus offer is going to drop at midnight on May 31st.” But I am the only newsletter author out there who is not afraid to really take a stand, and that’s what I’m going to do today:

You have to – HAVE TO – apply for the Pan Am Take Off(tm) Credit Card right now. Stop what you’re doing. Do not finish the application for the Chase Manhattan Bank Ink Bold. Don’t. Tear yourselves away from the pamphlets about how to spend those 10,000 extra bonus points. Just stop. This is really, truly your last chance.

The Pan Am Take Off(tm) credit card is, according to the ad below, the only travel card you’ll need. And I agree! And they’re totally not paying me $350 an application to tell you that.

Benefits of the Card
As the ad below notes:
- It comes in green for women and yellow for men. Always important so you know which you are.
- It’s a guaranteed credit reference at Pan Am offices overseas so you can cash a check for up to $100 (one hundred!) US dollars.
- It’s a doctor’s authorization to accept your personal check (I don’t know what that means)
- You can get a $50 cash advance overseas for NO CHARGE!

When Will This Card Disappear?
Um, like never? I mean, what on earth could happen to Pan Am? It’s the biggest freakin’ airline in the world…it’ll be around forever! And while you don’t earn any bonus miles because frequent flyer programs (what’re those???) won’t be invented for another 10 years, how else are you going to get a $50 FREE cash advance when you’re overseas?

So why am I telling you to get this card now, even though the offer has been around for years? Because it might go away at some point in the future! And do you want to be THAT asshole who DIDN’T take advantage of this offer? I mean, we just put a man on the freakin’ moon….it’s only a matter of time before Pan Am is sending travelers up there. And how are you going to buy a ticket to get to the moon on Pan Am? Using a North Central Airlines BankAmericard? Hells to the no! They’re not going to accept that. Well sure, they might if you want a COACH seat to the moon. But you bet your sweet ass they’re gonna serve me some Krug in business class when I fly to the moon, and THAT’S gonna be like a $3,000 ticket that I’m gonna get for free because I have the Pan Am Take Off(tm) Credit Card.

3 months ago the authors of the newsletter A Wing And A Prayer said that you should get this credit card now because it was going to disappear in a few weeks. They were a BUNCH OF MORONS and I told them so in a tersely written letter to the editor. But now I’m coming out and telling you that IF YOU DO NOT GET THIS CARD TODAY – TO-FREAKIN-DAY – YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE GLASS OF TANG THEY’LL BE SERVING ON THE PAN AM MOON SERVICE. You should rot in hell.

I reached out to a Pan Am representative this morning via courier to find out the end date of this offer, and I hope to receive a letter back from them in 4-6 weeks with the end date. But until I have that exact end date, I’m going to tell you to hurry the hell up and mail in an application. Yeah, this offer has been around, and yeah it’ll certainly be back, and yeah pretty much all of those benefits are widely available without this special offer, but I’m telling you – and I’m only going to tell you this once – you are missing the opportunity of a lifetime if you don’t get your application in for this Pan Am Take Off(tm) Credit Card now.

Pssst. Come here. You. Yes, you. We’re friends, right? Friends share things, right? Like I share all of these pictures of the abso-freakin-lutely awesome champagne-drenched flights I take with the benefits from this card, right? You love that. If you want to have a giant-ass recliner seat on a 747 to Pago Pago, and I know you do, I have only one question: What do I have to do to get you into a shiny new Pan Am Take Off(tm) Credit Card today? Do you want me to list 25 ways to use the card? Would that help? Would you like me to compare it (favorably, of course) to some of the other cards out there? Would that help? Would it help if I showed you pictures of some of the hotel rooms I’ve booked using the credit card? Would that help? What in God’s name would it take for me to get you to understand that I’m not – NOT – screwing around anymore, and that you have to get this card? Have to. That’s it. Get it. Get. Get the card. End of discussion.

The opinions here are mine. The content is not provided by Manufacturer’s Hanover, Chase Manhattan Bank, or The Money Store.

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12 Comments.

  1. Awesome, definitely getting this card on my next app-o-rama. Do you know if this card is churnable? Also, I already have the business version of this card, how long do I have to wait before applying for the personal credit card? Thanks Jared!!

  2. Will this card be accepted at a Drugstore? Grocery Store? Can I pay my rent with it? You should include arrows in your post, I don’t get where I can use it. I am also not sure the cashiers know how to use it, so please explain how the process will work at checkout with this card. Have you heard of anyone able to get the green card if you are a male? My favorite color is green. Is that forbidden? A couple of pictures of your wife shopping at the supermarket using the card would go along way with your readers….

    • It takes weeks to develop film, so it’s hard to include photos. Also arrows are hard because PowerPoint hasn’t been invented yet.

      You can definitely dress up as a woman to get the other card. I recommend it.

  3. Not sure but I’m getting the sense you are mocking the used car dealer-type credit card-pushing blogs out there. More blasphemy!
    And yet again, another post without telling us we’ve never been anywhere or accomplished anything with our lives unless we’ve gotten enough credit cards and enough miles and points to spend a couple nights in an over-the-water bungalow in Boring-Boring.
    Pretty pathetic. Considering the continual disservice you are doing to your readers (or reader) I’m not sure how you sleep at night. (Well, that’s not completely true: I’m pretty darn sure you aren’t sleeping in any over-the-water bungalow.)

  4. Where’s the best place to buy vanilla extract to manufacture spend for this card?

  5. What it is, Liner!

    So I took your advice and got this Pan Am card. I know I won’t get any points, but I’m lookin’ to play the keys in that new 747 lounge, so at least I can charge my first class ticket with this thing. Not sure they’d take my Diner’s Club. And who knows — if Nixon can convince Congress, maybe someday I’ll get that sweet ride on the Boeing SST.

    But one thing I don’t understand: I went down to my local Consumer Value Store and asked them if I could still use my card to buy ice cream. The manager looked at me like I was freaky-deaky. “Of course, not, he said. “We’re a drug store, not a supermarket.” I said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean cookie dough,” which prompted an even more quizzical look on his face, as he muttered something about not being a bakery either. I told him I wanted to reload. He said they didn’t sell ammo either, and if I didn’t leave the store immediately, he’d call the fuzz. So I left empty handed.

    Oh, well. Gotta boogy to Miami Beach for that BOAC flight now. Back to the USSR on Tuesday. Wing and a Prayer doesn’t know how lucky I am, man.

    • Consumer Value Store!

    • That’s nothing, iahphx. My drug store wouldn’t tear up the carbon copies of the card receipt, so I had to write a check instead..

      • Well, Joe, I hope you’re at least getting a free toaster out of that checking account. Maybe I should look into that. I went to the store yesterday to buy a toaster, and told the clerk I was looking for one with a wide slot to toast my bagels. The clerk was dumbfounded: “What’s a bagel?” she asked. She told me that the appliances they carried were only for American foods, not weird ethnic stuff.

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