In my ongoing quest to write stories that other bloggers won’t touch, I thought I’d forgo the usual “Top Credit Cards for the Month” post and try to help out those readers who eschew credit cards and prefer to use cash (losers!!). So here are my Top 5 US Paper Currency Denominations for January:
1) $20 Bill. You may remember the $20 bill from my post last year called “One US Paper Currency Denomination To Rule Them All.” This is my everyday, go-to currency. It’s incredibly flexible – you can purchase literally tens of thousands of items that are priced at less than twenty dollars. That $7.95 ball? I’ll use a $20 bill. That $14 taco platter? Perfect, I’ll use a $20 bill. Even that $19.99 K-Tel 8-Track Collection of the Best Disco Hits of 1977? $20 bill will cover that every time. Even more amazing? If I want to buy a $32 steak at a schmancy restaurant? I can just break out TWO of those twenty dollar bills, and that will work as well.
But here’s a tip you won’t get on the other blogs: At the drugstore I’ll buy a $1.99 pack of mints. Then I hand the clerk a $20 bill. Sometimes they’ll say, “I’m sorry, but at CVS we can’t accept $20 bills for that — you have to use a credit card.” And I’ll say, “just try typing it into the machine.” And it always goes through! (If it doesn’t, just go to a different CVS). But that’s not the best part. I’ll give him (or her) $20, and he’ll hand me $18.01 cash back. That’s right, I get 900% cash back when I use my $20 bill at drug stores. Amazing! Shhhh, don’t publish that anywhere or it’ll blow the whole operation!
2) $10 Bill. The $10 bill isn’t quite as useful as the $20 bill, but it can definitely come in handy. I’ll break it out in a bar sometimes and slap it down like I’m a grizzled gold prospector from 1872 and say, “What can a guy get for a sawbuck?????” It’s perfect when you need a roll of quarters, because you can exchange one of these beauties for 40 of the shiny coins. Also makes a nice birthday present for your 7-year old niece. And no other bill beats it when purchasing a $9.99 bouquet of flowers. 0% cash back on $10 purchase.
3) $100 Bill. The $100 bill just feels good in your hands, which is always a reason to choose how to pay for something. A $100 bill tells the guy at the gas station, “Don’t F- Wit Me, Asshole!” It also tells the guy at the grocery store, “Don’t F- Wit Me, Asshole!” I wouldn’t recommend breaking it out at the convenience store, because they’re not going to accept $100 bills, my friend. No sorry, buddy, no $100 bills. It is, however, perfect when paying a prostitute for services rendered. Or add it to a few of its $100 bill friends and suddenly little Joshua has the best gift ever from his grandpa. Unless his grandpa lost it gambling, which is also a great use of these suckers. $0 annual fee not waived first year.
4) $1 Bill. Did you ever park your car at a valet? Maybe a rental car. Or your own car. Or someone else’s car? Whose car it is isn’t really relevant. You know how when you retrieve your car and the guy pulls up and you feel like you should give him something? Yeah, that’s right – two $1 bills will do the trick. Or did you ever go into a douche-y restaurant and go into the bathroom to do your business and some guy is in there waiting to hand you a towel? Yep, our old friend $1 bill is great for that occasion. Also it’s the correct currency for making it rain at the strip club when you don’t want to blow too much money at once. If you spend $40,000 one-dollar bills in the year, you won’t get any status whatsoever.
5) $5 Bill. I’m never sure what the hell you’re supposed to do with this one. Does anything cost $3.75? No, it doesn’t. It’s too little for a birthday gift and too much to tip the douche-y restaurant bathroom attendant. Abe Lincoln would be saddened to know he’s on this currency.
BONUS CATEGORY: WORST US PAPER CURRENCY DENOMINATION FOR JANUARY:
$50 Bill. Why in God’s name is there even a $50 bill? Go try and buy a soda at a bodega and pay for it with $50 and see what they do to you. They will literally crinkle it up and throw it at you, then kick your ass til you cry. Try and pay your babysitter with it and ask for the $15 change back. C’mon, now! Makes a decent birthday present for a 13-year-old until that 13-year-old tries to go to whatever the hell store a 13-year-old goes to and tries to use it. They will LAUGH IN HIS FACE! Who the hell do you think you are, kid? Now go to the bank and get 2 twenties and a ten and then maybe – MAYBE! – you can come back in here and buy Halo 7. Maybe! Damn $50 bill. Your friends aren’t impressed when you break it out – if you had real money you’d have a $100 bill. It’s saying, “ooh, look at me – I don’t have normal denominations of currency, but I’m not quite rich enough to have that bad-ass $100 bill. I’m just gonna settle for a $50, as if you’re gonna be impressed with that.” I’m over you, $50 bill.
That said, it’s perfect for bribing hotel desk clerks for a suite.
There you go – next week, Top 5 US Coin Denominations for February!