United PS Service flight 443 to LAX is very chilly this morning. Really chilly. Not chilly like when my wife is freezing and it’s 76 degrees. Genuinely chilly.
I was very happy then when I arrived at my seat and found an actual, clean, fresh in-the-bag non-coach type blanket in my coach seat.
I was probably a bit cold because of the chill that set over me when I saw that I was first on the upgrade waitlist but was not going to get the upgrade. Fine. No problem. I can handle it. But oh – to be so close. I’d rather be 32nd – my more typical place on the list. At least there was no hope. I probably hit refresh 39 times on the United mobile site over the past day hoping to see me move up. There was a brief glimmer yesterday at about 7pm when it showed 6 free seats. But those were phantoms, and when I awoke they were filled with, from what I could see at the gate, several people wearing sunglasses indoors at 730 in the morning. While they are exactly the type of people one might expect on a flight to LA, it didn’t make me feel better. Note: no one in coach is wearing sunglasses.
I was wrapped in my delightful blanket for the first hour, then headed to the back of the plane for a snack. Well, to buy a snack. They don’t actually give you a snack on the United PS flights (PS being “Premium Service” which might suggest not paying $6 for a yogurt, but it does it suggest that. I will assume that the Premium is referring to the blanket, which was indeed of a high quality.)
I strode back to 18D, yogurt in hand, to discover, much to my horror, the blanket is gone. Gone. Which begs only one question:
WHO THE HELL STOLE MY BLANKET?
Was it you, 8 year old New Zealander sitting next to me who has repeatedly awakened his father to ask the father, quite sweetly, if the father would like a sip of his apple juice? Probably not?
Was it you, person behind me who repeatedly gets up from their seat by grabbing my seat and flinging me forward?
Was it you, woman one row ahead who had the nerve to ask someone in an aisle seat if they would switch with her middle seat so she could sit with her family?
You, crying tiny little baby?
You, the guy who was nice enough to actually switch with that woman and sit in the middle seat in a 5+ hour flit to LA? (probably not him)
I don’t know – everyone is looking suspicious at this point.
If you have my blanket, please return it to 18D, thanks.