We have twin 4-year old daughters who, for those who are not longtime OTR readers, can be described thusly:
Twin 1 can be described as the daughter who threw up on our flight to Curacao last April and then threw up on the return flight from Curacao.
Twin 2 can be described as the daughter who threw up on neither Curacao flight but did throw up on our flight yesterday from Ft Lauderdale.
As you may have surmised, this now makes me an expert in what to do when your kid throws up on a plane. I will now impart some wisdom on this topic with you:
Step 1: Have a loud disagreement with your spouse over how to handle the situation. I could tell you not to do this, that you should remain entirely calm and speak in only loving tones with both your spouse and your child. But you are not going to do this, so I’m going to be realistic. Get snippy with each other over how the whole mess should be handled; whose fault it is; and who always has to clean up these types of messes. Go ahead. Get it out of the way. Good. You probably feel better already.
Step 2: Deep breath. I mean that metaphorically, as you will not want to actually take a deep breath anywhere near the area.
Step 3: Your neighbors will be helpful here and offer you with the 2 inch by 2 inch drink napkins they have been using. These won’t make a dent. You should thank these people profusely, though, as they will be the ones enjoying the wafting smell for the next 2 hours.
Step 4: Assure flight attendants that they will not have to deal with this. In-flight crews have told me that parents have expected them to clean up the mess. That’s because all passengers are assholes.
Step 5: You may not know this, but your flight likely has a hazard kit on it. It is sad that at this point I know that Continental has a hazard kit, and what it contains (trash bag, ties, rubber gloves, disinfectant, disinfectant wipes, face mask – dear God may it not come to that -, and paper protective body covering). Take all of that stuff out of the bag and set it aside. You will need much-to-all of it. Put the napkins you have been using in that bag. Strip your poor child down and put clothes in a different plastic bag (or, if you do not care about said clothes, in the larger original plastic bag which will be thrown out). Take the seat that is now covered in vomit and put that in the plastic bag as well (really). Remember the safety announcement at the beginning of the flight, something about how the seat cushion can be used as a flotation device? Yes? That cushion is easily removed. Remove it and put it in the bag. Now tie up the bag with the twist ties and put it behind the last row of coach seats. There’s room there. And that bag is pretty amazing in that it will not smell. I should warn you, though: when you walk down the aisle with the bright red hazard bag with the word “HAZARD BAG” written on in it 80 point font, everyone on that plane will look at you funny. And not funny ha ha.
Step 6: If you are lucky, you have a change of clothes for child. If you are like most of the world, you will end up wrapping your child in one of the blankets they give out which is both sorta cute and kinda sad at the same time.
Step 7: You will be amazed that you can do a pretty thorough bath and shampooing in the plane’s bathroom to remove the mess from your kid (something to consider the next time you are considering getting amorous in that space).
Step 8: Put kid back in front of in-flight TV and pretend that nothing happened.