The State Department today issued a warning to U.S. citizens that, despite the best effort of governmental agencies, they will die somewhere on earth. Although they could not provide a specific date, the warning noted that every current U.S. citizen will die between now and about a hundred years from now. The alert also could not provide a more details about location, warning only that U.S. citizens will likely die while in the U.S., South America, Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia and, for an unlucky few, Antarctica.
A State Department spokesman apologized that he could not provide further specifics on the warning, but based on intelligence gathered over the course of hundreds if not thousands of years of human history, U.S. citizens should prepare themselves for their upcoming deaths. “We are not saying to change what you are doing on a daily basis,” said Matthew Mizel, a spokesman. “Please, go on and live your life. Just be prepared and vigilant that death could, and will, come at any moment.”
The State Department warning did not include any information for non-U.S. citizens, and experts were puzzled as to how citizens of other countries have been able to avoid the seemingly unavoidable scourge of death.
Officials singled out how terrorists have targeted Americans around the world, creating plans to kill as many Americans as possible in an overseas location. Although details on this threat are vague, intelligence chatter has found that this type of attack is quite likely in the coming years and Americans will perish.
Also likely is that many Americans will die of cancer; old age; car accidents; heart disease; choking on a Frosted Flake; heart-attack-while-having-sex-with-someone-shouldn’t-be-having-sex-with; and auto-erotic asphyxiation, among others methods. This list, the State Department notes, is only a small fraction of the various ways that Americans will die. And, they reiterate, all Americans will die, either here or abroad.
“What we are looking at is a total annihilation of the American people,” the spokesman continued. “One hundred and ten years from now, not a single American living today will survive. Our entire way of life will be gone, and we have no way to stop it.”
Although the demise of every American is certain, the State Department offered these helpful tips:
– Don’t panic
– Use two hands while climbing a ladder
– Don’t go outside with wet hair when it’s cold
– Do not join the cast of Diff’rent Strokes
– Watch out for that wire
– Wait 30, preferably 40, minutes before swimming after a meal
– Neither stay inside, where you could trip and break your hip, nor go outside, where you will be hit by a car
– Keep your Pop Rocks separate from your carbonated beverages
– Do not date anyone on the Cincinnati Bengals
Again, the State Department reiterates that you should not change any of your behaviors because of this warning. Americans simply need to know that they are going to die at some point, and so should remain vigilant at all times.