WASHINGTON, DC, Dec. 29 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ — The holiday season is a great time for terrorists looking to make a name for themselves by disrupting travel in the United States. Given the popularity of this time of year, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) offers some helpful hints for terrorists looking to make a splash during this time of year.
– Instead of focusing on airplanes, why not break away from the pack and take a look at trains? This option offers the popular benefit of blowing up lots of Americans without any of the hassles of sneaking items through security. Remember, no one cares if you bring a knife, gun, poison, explosives or reading items onto a train. Helpful TSA Hint: The Acela usually has some politicians on it.
– If your plan is to blow up an airplane, please do it before there is one hour left in the flight. You are no longer permitted to hold items in your lap with one hour remaining in the flight, so take care to time your bombing accordingly.
– Since in-flight maps are now turned off, a little math may come in helpful to figure out where you are during your journey. Let’s do a quick quiz: If you are on an 8 hour flight from Amsterdam to Detroit, and you have been flying for 4 hours (we haven’t confiscated watches…yet) you are:
a) Halfway to your destination
b) Two-thirds of the way to your destination
c) 3 hours from not being able to hold your explosives in your lap.
– If train tickets are too expensive, Megabus offers lots of $1 seats from New York to Washington. Like trains, you get the benefit of not having anyone search your baggage, so we recommend focusing your terrorist acts on buses, rather than planes, where you can make quite a splash for only a buck!
– Remember, we ask that terrorists (or other passengers) not congregate in public areas of the plane to help keep everyone safe. However, we encourage passengers to use the bathrooms prior to the one-hour lockdown period before landing. At that point, we encourage congregating in public areas of the plane. This can be confusing, so let us provide this helpful list:
Do not Congregate in Public Areas: During flight until 1 hour and 15 minutes before landing. With 1 hour or less prior to landing.
Congregate in Public Areas: During boarding. 15 minutes prior to lockdown. After landing.
– Please remember to leave extra time for security at the airport — you don’t want to miss that flight you’ve been planning to take for the past 13 years since you first showed up in Yemen. Security is taking a bit longer at airports as TSA agents remove shoes from 3-year-olds and old ladies to ensure they are not carrying 4 ounces of shampoo on a plane.
We hope these hints make your next (and last!) journey a safe, comfortable and on-time success.
For more information please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.