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TSA Offers Helpful Tips for Terrorists This Holiday Season

WASHINGTON, DC, Dec. 29 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ — The holiday season is a great time for terrorists looking to make a name for themselves by disrupting travel in the United States.  Given the popularity of this time of year, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) offers some helpful hints for terrorists looking to make a splash during this time of year.

– Instead of focusing on airplanes, why not break away from the pack and take a look at trains?  This option offers the popular benefit of blowing up lots of Americans without any of the hassles of sneaking items through security.  Remember, no one cares if you bring a knife, gun, poison, explosives or reading items onto a train.  Helpful TSA Hint:  The Acela usually has some politicians on it.

– If your plan is to blow up an airplane, please do it before there is one hour left in the flight.  You are no longer permitted to hold items in your lap with one hour remaining in the flight, so take care to time your bombing accordingly.

– Since in-flight maps are now turned off, a little math may come in helpful to figure out where you are during your journey.  Let’s do a quick quiz: If you are on an 8 hour flight from Amsterdam to Detroit, and you have been flying for 4 hours (we haven’t confiscated watches…yet) you are:

a) Halfway to your destination
b) Two-thirds of the way to your destination
c) 3 hours from not being able to hold your explosives in your lap.

– If train tickets are too expensive, Megabus offers lots of $1 seats from New York to Washington.  Like trains, you get the benefit of not having anyone search your baggage, so we recommend focusing your terrorist acts on buses, rather than planes, where you can make quite a splash for only a buck!

– Remember, we ask that terrorists (or other passengers) not congregate in public areas of the plane to help keep everyone safe.  However, we encourage passengers to use the bathrooms prior to the one-hour lockdown period before landing.  At that point, we encourage congregating in public areas of the plane.  This can be confusing, so let us provide this helpful list:

Do not Congregate in Public Areas: During flight until 1 hour and 15 minutes before landing.  With 1 hour or less prior to landing.

Congregate in Public Areas: During boarding.  15 minutes prior to lockdown.  After landing.

– Please remember to leave extra time for security at the airport — you don’t want to miss that flight you’ve been planning to take for the past 13 years since you first showed up in Yemen.  Security is taking a bit longer at airports as TSA agents remove shoes from 3-year-olds and old ladies to ensure they are not carrying 4 ounces of shampoo on a plane.

We hope these hints make your next (and last!) journey a safe, comfortable and on-time success.

For more information please contact tsa@tsa.gov.

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  1. This latest TSA directive debacle proves it. The last Presidential election proves it. A whiff of Congress proves it: America is a “rudderless ship”!

    It’s “every man, for himself”, gang!

    We, as a “people”, are strictly “on our own”…ande, God help us, all!

  2. Perhaps the American government wouldn’t be as hysterical and paranoid as it is with respect to “airline safety”, if it broadened its scope of territorial security by effectively protecting out international borders! There is a full-scale war among Mexican drug-cartels…with attendant and related kidnappings of citizens and others, in Phoenix, Arizona…and, the last time that I checked, the State of Arizona was WITHIN the limits of the US contiguous states! Does that not constitute incursions, by a foreign criminal entity, into this country? There are two theaters of war, currently raging, in the Near East. The United States is “hip-deep”, in both. American troops are dying, everday, in both. Yet, “domestic terrorism” has no other opposing force except our heroic law enforcement agencies…who are notoriously “outgunned”, and underfunded, to carry on their valiant fight! Any deranged jackass with a decent pair os sneakers, and a bottle of water, can cross our southern border, and melt into America’s population. Just imagine what a well-financed, disciplined, and fanatical force of zealots can do…using the means of entry…and, the fact that the government would rather ignore our borders, than to “terrorize” airline passengers!! I have to ask myself just what “side” the government is rooting for??? It doesn’t appear to be ours!

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