From: Delta Air Lines
To: People of Cincinnati
Subj: Please stop driving to Dayton
Fine citizens of Cincinnati, we know that we have screwed you at every chance over the past years. You probably remember that Comair/Delta Connection strike that left many of you stranded for a while. Ouch, that sucked. And you probably haven’t been all that thrilled with our fares, what with the $2400 round trip fares to Los Angeles and all. Yeah, we now know that you can find much lower fares if you just drive an hour up to Dayton. Speaking of that, please stop driving to Dayton.
So, we have a proposition for you. If you agree to stop driving to Dayton, we’ll stop screwing you every chance we get with our fares. In fact, we created a catchy little name for this agreement: Stop Screwing Everyone Fares. But then we changed our minds, and thought that SimpliFares was a more positive spin on things. With SimpliFares we’ve eliminated Saturday night stays and round-trip requirements, and we’ve reduced our highest fares to managable levels. In fact, no domestic coach fare is more than $499 each way. Not too bad, eh? And if you want a first class seat? Only $599 each way.
Forget all that stuff we told you before about having a commitment to the people of Cincinnati. We’ll be honest: that was a load of crap. But now we’re serious. We’ll certainly miss those $2400 fares to LA. Really. I miss them already. But we think this is a better way of doing business. Until those oil prices come down and we get some relief from our pilots union. Then, Cincinnati, you won’t know what hit you. I mean, we’ll keep those fares low.